Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Zack Snyder's 300 movie parody script

Ok, Now don't get me wrong, I loved the Zack Snyder's 300 movie .I also read Frank Miller's 300 graphic novel and liked it a lot .....That said, there ARE quite a few major inconsistencies..... that pretty much resulted in the below parody! If you could notice the hyper-idealistic nature of Spartans then this blog will make sense, if you are a die hard 300 fan then please don't piss off.....all comments are welcome....Enjoy.....
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SPARTA


Old creepy guy checking an infant

Dilios Voice: Check out how we throw newborn babies in that huge pile of bones!

AUDIENCE: You spartan sickos....

CUT TO LEONIDAS BEDROOM

Leonidas touching the Queen

Queen Gorgo: You gonna do that all night?

Leonidas: I fucked up bigtime today....now Xerces's gonna come and kill us all......what do I do?

Queen Gorgo: Uh ok....don't think what a king should do .....think what a MAN should do in this situation?

Leonidas: What a MAN should do....hmm....oh you naughty girl, I know what you mean!!....lets try some new positions today.....

HOT STEAMY SEX SCENE BEGINS....

CUT TO LEONIDAS APPROACHING 300 MEN

Captain: As you ordered sire, 300 of coolest ABS in Sparta......

Leonidas: He's your son....he hasn't even got laid yet ....

Captain: Its cool sire.....for the big war, we need some cute juvenile kids too ...

Leonidas: You are a dumb captain, but a dumber father, there is none!!

Astinos: (oh crap, seems I'm not gonna laid ever....)

COUNCILORS APPROACH...

Councilor: My good king, the stripper at priest's has spoken!! There should be no march...

Leonidas: But I'm just going for a morning walk with 300 of our best soldiers......

Councilor: What do we do?

Leonidas: Sparta will need sons.....go fuck your wives......

QUEEN GORGO's GOODBYE....

Queen Gorgo: Spartan, come back with your shield, or on it!

Leonidas (confused): So you don't care whether I live or die??

Queen Gorgo: Oh wait, thats not what I meant.....anyways, take this weird looking necklace with you....but if something goes wrong, remember to send it back....

MEETING WITH DAXOS....

Daxos: Shit Leonidas, you brought only a handful soldiers?

Leonidas: You there, what is your profession?

Arkadian soldier: I'm a potter, sir.

Leonidas: Spartans, what is your profession?

Spartans: HAOOOOOOOO.....HAOOOOOOOOO.....HAOOOOOO

Daxos: (What the fuck does HAOOOOOOO mean you dickheads......but whatever!!)

CUT TO PERSIAN CAMP VIEW...

Daxos: Oh fuck, there are still so many Persians.....we're gonna die....we're all gonna die.....what are you so happy about Stelios

Stelios: Arkadian! I've fought countless battles in the hope that someone will kill me.....so far I'm somehow alive.....I'm getting more and more suicidal.....I soooo hope someone will kill me now....

Daxos: (Goddamit, why do I have to put up with these psychos with unhappy marriages....)

CUT TO PERSIAN EMISSARY's ARRIVAL.....

Stelios: Say, I got a neat idea! What if we use the dead humans as cement for our walls?


CUT TO DIALOGUE WITH EPHIALTES

Ephialtes: Sire there is goatpath behind the mountains which persians can use to flank you.

Leonidas: Yeah whatever, who are you anyways?

Ephialtes: I'm Ephialtes, sire. I want to contribute to the fight sire.

Leonidas: Sorry man, you can't even lift your shield!!

Ephialtes: But Sire I do want to fight for Sparta and do what I can! Just give me a chance! Further I'm the ONLY guy who can get you all killed by telling Xerces about the goatpath! You could probably just let me stand in the back or something so that I don't disrupt your formation, so just give me a fair chance to fight for Sparta! Thats all I ask!

Leonidas: Look, I just really don't like your face......

Ephialtes: But sire...

Leonidas: Just fuckoff you ugly assface.....

Leonidas: (to Captain) I hope no one tells Xerces about the goatpath!


CUT TO THE FIGHTING..

Persian General: Spartans, lay down your weapons....

(someone throws a spear from like 3 miles away)

Persian General: Oh fuck, I didn't ask you to lay down your weapons on me goddamit....

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XERCES APPROACHES....

Leonidas: Whats up with the outfit dude??

Xerces: Sorry man, I forgot my wardrobe at home so just wearing this golden chains stuff for now.....its not too bad tho as these Hot Gates are so warm anyways so I don't get all sweaty and stuff.....

Leonidas: Yeah I know what you mean, I started going out to fight in panties because of the same reason.....too hot, these Hot Gates....

Xerces: I see.....so anyways listen, I came by to tell you that I wanna stop the fight and make you the king of all greeks....whatcha think?

Leonidas: Not interested yo....

Xerces: Common man....I'm gonna make you the king of all greece, we gonna share our culture and shit too.

Leonidas: But you guys don't know how to fight bro!

Xerces: Dude thats sooo not cool!! Listen to what I'm saying - This way no one else will have to die, you will be the king of all greece, your country will prosper and everyone will be happy....no more wars....no more killing....

Leonidas: Hey I'd rather get all my people killed and city burned than living in peace and shit......This is spartasss code....

Xerces: Common dude, just use your reason for once for God's sake.....just kneel and I'll go back home right now.....

Leonidas: Can't do...I've a cramp in my leg bro.....

Xerces: Dude, I got divine powers

Leonidas: Oh yeah? Back home we have our own divine priests who also let me watch really hot striptease, now beat that......

Xerces: Man you are so dead.....

Leonidas: Yeah..whatever.....okay, later...
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CUT TO HOT GATES

Stelios: You fought well today.

Astinos: Oh gee, thanks. You were pretty good too....

Stelios: So you wanna go out sometime?

Astinos: Yeah, it sucks. Sure we can hangout.....

Stelios: Okay, its a date.

SPARTASS HUNTING ADVENTURES

Astinos hunts a runaway dynasaur while other spartans sit back and watch the show....Persians are grateful as the dyno had killed many of their soldiers.

Spartans also hunt some mammoths but they all fall down the cliff so spartans don't get to keep them....

ASTINOS AND STELIOS FIGHT HUNDREDS OF PERSIANS

Stelios: So where do you wanna go for the date?

Astinos: Not now you dick, I'm a bit busy slaughtering the persians.

Stelios: Sorry man, didn't mean to disturb ya....

Captain: Astinos!!! Stop fighting and Look at me my son!

Astinos turns around and gets decapitated by Persian cavalry...

Captain: Shit!

CUT TO EPHIALTES IN XERCES TENT

Xerces: I'll give ya shitloads of sex & money....watcha think?

Ephialtes: Oh christ, I never saw so many naked chicks......You are soooooo my God.....

Xerces: So where is that goat path then?

Ephialtes: Wait wait.....I also want a UNIFORM that fits my hunchback.....I don't wanna hobble around in these Spartan panties anymore...

Xerces: Done.


CUT TO SPARTA

Theron: Beautiful night!

Queen Gorgo: Yeah, wanna drink some water together?

Theron: Sure, sounds like fun. So whats up?

Queen Gorgo: I need your help in the council meeting thingee tomorrow so that we can send our army to fight persians.

Theron: So you want the rest of the army killed too instead of going for a truce and saving all the life and improving international relations? I'm not so sure!

Queen Gorgo: Ok lets do this, you speak for me in the council and we have sex?

Theron: Done !

CUT TO HOT GATES

Daxos: Leonidas! We are doomed...the hunchback told Xerces about the goatpath.....this battle is over Leonidas, this battle is over!

Leonidas: This battle is not over till I say it is over.

Daxos: Dude, you don't have a "say" in it at this point....by dawn Immortals will surround us!

Leonidas: You gotta search your soul bro!

Daxos: What the fuck!!

Leonidas: Go ask your men too to search their souls.

Daxos: You go search your soul, my men will leave with me. (leaves)

Leonidas (to spartans): Children! Children!

Spartans: No way, you are not our dad! Are you?

Leonidas: May be to some of you but thats not what I meant. I was just trying to create an emotional connection with you so that you can get killed with me tomorrow.

Spartans: HAOOOOO.....HAOOOOOO

Captain: I brought my juvenile son in the battle and later got him decapitated by distracting him in the middle of the fight. I'm so mad at myself.....I'm a bad father.

Leonidas: Told you so...

Leonidas: Dilios man, I'm gonna have to ask you to go back to Sparta....I gotta send this weird necklace back to my wife.

Dilios: But sire, the Arkadians are already going back, you can deliver it through them?

Leonidas: Dude don't wreck my brains, just deliver this necklace, okay?

Leonidas: (to Spartans) Spartans, we'll probably be starving in hell for a long time so eat all you can......lets not waste any food.

Spartans: HAOOOOOOOO.....HAOOOOOOOOO

SPARTA - COUNCIL MEETING THINGEE

Queen Gorgo: Councilmen, lets save the 300 guys with coolest ABS in Sparta...

Theron: Hey, I'd rather negotiate a truce and save Sparta than get even more people killed....

Queen Gorgo: You asshole ...you know what, I faked it last night! .....(she stabinates)

(Lots of persian coins fall down and Council members jump on the ground trying to pick the gold coins up before others do)

Theron: Oh crap, shouldn't have brought all the persian money over here....I'm soooo dead now!

CUT TO HOT GATES

Persian General: Leonidas, look our King still wants to make you an ally

Ephialtes: Yo Leonidas, check out my new uniform that King Xerces got made for me!! You and all your men can also have this instead of the panties.....I beg you....

Persian General: See! You fight for your lands, you will have them. You fight for Sparta, she will be wealthier then ever. You will be the king of whole greece answerable only to Xerces who will be sitting on his ass in Persia most of the time anyways. Your victory will be complete. And between me and you, you will have another shot at Xerces if you live now!! Sounds good?

Leonidas: You there Ephialtes, may you live forever so that you realize that Spartan panties are the best.

Ephialtes realizes that Spartan panties are the best and weeps in shame....

Leonidas: Stelios!!!

Leonidas throws the spear and misses......

Captain: This whole plan was soooo really really dumb and now Leonidas fucked up bigtime with the spear!!

Stelios: My king, how could you miss after all we did for you?? aaaahh ...Why did you HAVE TO aim at his fucking lips....Ain't his torso a better bigger target from such a distance???

Xerces: So I finally kicked Spartass.....now I'm gonna sit back on my ass for one full year and enjoy the scenery before attacking again.....

AFTER ONE YEAR

Dilios: Yo guys, the good persians gave us one full year for preparations and now we have assembled 40,000 greeks, we gonna kick persian's ass!!

Xerces: (Owww fuck! Shouldn't have sat on my ass for a whole more year like this......bad strategy...but I still love those ABS)

.............

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