Thursday, February 24, 2011

Jason X - Jason Voorhees meets Androids with nipples

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If Wolverine lived in our "real" world, he would probably be Jason. Wolverine would probably eat a lot - cholesterol and diabetes and stuff are non-issue for him - so, he would be a little fatter. And without Adamantium, Wolverine would most probably be carrying a machete around. Wolverine already is slightly psychopathic anyway and with that healing factor, he would probably see just how far he can go. But Wolverine is still probably better because if Jason fights Wolverine, Wolverine will simply cut Jason's limbs off in a matter of seconds - it sucks, that Jason doesn't have the Adamantium thing going on for him! Thankfully, this movie fixed that too (SPOILERS SPOILERS)!
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I was wondering what "X" stands for in "Jason X". Is it Jason number 10?
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Or is it Jason-ex, as in a previous version of Jason? Or is it like Generation X, a younger hippier Jason? Then it turned out that it's Jason in future! Still not sure what X stands for, but then I don't know a lot of things. For example, apparently after they captured Jason in 2008, they tried to electrocute, poison, hang and shoot him but nothing worked...so they decided to freeze him until they could find a way to 100% kill him for good. They did not consider immediately cremating him after a few firing squad runs because...umm....I don't know. I mean, Hindus cremate all their dead and then throw the ashes into rivers, guaranteed no coming back from that one!

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The year 2455 AD is gonna be a very interesting year by the way as far as Archeology is concerned. I mean, forget about looking for bone fragments and such, in 2455 you can look for actual dead frozen human beings and you can bring them back to life! And this is so common that school kids do it for their science projects. People will be so horny in 2455 AD that they'd spontaneously start making out with dead bodies lying next to them.

2455 AD will also going to be the first time in the entire human history when robots start asking for nipples on their breasts. But well you know, if personality challenged androids like Arnold Schwarzenegger were anatomically correct right to the balls, then why can't such a charming robot like KM-14, played by Lisa Ryder, have nipples. Hey, I don't blame her, even Batman had nipples once!
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Following the tradition of pre-X-Jasons, this Jason also begins his career in a lake. Twice. The movie starts with Jason-pre-X in Crystal Lake Research Facility where he is sort of readying to be born into the monster that he will become. By the time movie ends, Jason-post-X is again found in a lake sort of readying to be born again on Earth 2. These are the sort of references that are pretty much intentionally left in there to be picked up, so I can almost feel the scriptwriter smirking with a "look, someone finally picked them up" look!

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Have you ever wondered whether Jason likes to have sex? This movie clears that up too - No, Jason is completely devoted to his chosen trade of mass-murdering and sex is not an option. I feel for the poor guy, he is missing a lot here. I'd throw it out there that Jason actually hates sex because in one scene he actively seeks out a couple making out and kills the guy (but leaves the girl alone!). But when it comes to mass murdering, Jason is an advanced Ninjas & MacGyver hybrid. For one, you can't sneak up on this mofo and for two, you can be rest assured that he'll find the most painful way to kill you by using whatever tools are lying around! And when he feels that the enemy might be too much, he can sneak up on even the elite future soldiers tracking him as a team. I mean, this Jason can sneak up on Rambo if he wanted to! But future soldiers are definitely braver than you and me, they don't care about barricading the doors and trapping the Jason, rather they go out themselves personally looking for a psychopathic mass murderer who has already killed a few people onboard. I think it's a valiant effort, but then they also perhaps never expected an encounter with a 455 year old guy with a machete
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But it's all good, because ultimately someone realizes that instead of sending humans to fight this monster, they can send their own terminatrix with nipples - aka KM-14!

All it took was some pre-fight human-android smooching to amp her up and then KM-14 dismembered Jason within minutes and completely disabled him, takes one to know one, right! I mean how could humans, back in 2008, have known that dismembering Jason might fix the problem, back then electrocution and hanging were the only approved ways of killing mass murderers anyway.

But anyway, I was glad that someone was able to finally do this and our good guys could go back to their science expeditions, but then it turns out another machine not only revived Jason, but
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also gave him a bullet proof full body armor! Could be that the nanotech revival machine was jealous because KM-14 got nipples now? But heck, if my team member gets a raise and I don't I'm not gonna make his life easier either - Hey, if you're getting paid (in this case, paid in nipples and human smooches) more than I am, you gotta work harder than me too. It kinda makes sense when you think of it all.

All in all, it was a fun movie about robots asking for nipples, machines sabotaging other machines for equal rights, humans sabotaging other humans for no reason and the good old Jason running around looking for his machete.

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